A table fan hummed in a corner, but it was the air conditioner on the wall which cooled the room. Above, a circular light, the size of a large serving plate lit the room with brilliant white light. On a queen sized bed lay a five year old child. My brother, sleeping soundly, not bothered by the loud voices of my mother and I, nor stirred when we occasionally giggled. I was entertained with stories about my parents relationship before matrimony, most which I still find hard to believe.
‘Aileen, it’s OK to like guys and to be liked,’ said mom, still in her slightly intoxicated mood. I waited, I knew she didn’t like to be disturbed when she was ranting, or nagging, or advising, I wouldn’t know, they sound the same, coming out of her vocal chords.
I smiled, and it was all she needed.
‘Of course, it’s not good to get too serious. You must always remember that you’ll meet many more people when you leave school, start working…’
I nodded, I heard this many times before.
‘Never let it get to your studies, when you get good grades and move on, and get a decent job, people will respect you. But if you get tied to someone so early, you’re going to regret it, it’s-’
‘Whoa, mom, your thinking too far, I think I’m having a headache. Besides, I know how to take care of myself.’ Oh, if only you knew. I contemplated silently. She had no idea how bluntly her no-boyfriend-till-after-SPM rule had been bluntly violated.
She waved my interruption aside.
‘Still, I know what you’re going through now, I’ve been there.’ She look like she was about to grin, but suppressed it in time.
‘It’s just a phase you are going through, it’ll pass’
* * *
I haven’t had anybody serious since you.
Why haven’t you?
Nothing. Just being bored with life, would love to end it. Don’t care about me…
Talk to your friends or something.
I don’t really talk to my friends anymore.
Then why do you call them friends?
I’d rather talk to my computer and mp4. If you don’t believe, you can ask Eliza.
What are you trying to say exactly…
Is there any chance that we can still be together?
It wouldn’t be fair… (shit)
Unfair in what sense, the feeling?
Yes. I wouldn’t be able to return it. What about giving and not receiving (open your eyes!)
I don’t mind. It’s been nearly a year, and I waited, I know that your ‘booked’ now. I can wait.
(Don’t be crazy you jerk. Just because you hinted that you’re suicidal doesn’t make things better. I’m not getting back together OK?! Go ahead, kill yourself, slit your wrists again for all I care. That’s right, I don’t care, I-am-not-responsible-for-your-crazy-endeavors!)
Telling myself it is not my fault isn’t working. But getting back together is not an option, or is it? I love someone else, and he loves me, or does he?
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