I guess Genting pictures will have to wait. I'm so elated at going to camp tomorrow, but I am so tired. And some people just have to use my depression to bring them condolences and strength, I have no idea why. I cannot fathom why some people are so twisted. I'm glad I'm going, aren't you happy for me?

Currently feeling pretty insecure, though I'm not sure why. I can guess, but never pin-point the exact target thats causing all this. So I've decided that its just me. That I am causing all this brew of emotions I cannot understand. I know no one can and will help me to figure this out. Its life, you get used to the fact that it all brews down to you. Even God won't help those who don't help themselves.

You can never know how hard it is to keep myself together. I hope to be happy all the time, and be the way I used to be. But perhaps things do change, and like the sands scattered by the dessert wind I may never be the same person, but still I am the same person. Whatever change may be, I hope I changed for the better. I'd like to think of it that way...

Lets just hope I fix me in time. Before my smiles become fake and I get high just to get out of reality. I hope so...

oh what fun

I'm in Genting blogging! Oh what fun. Met Kevin here, wow, coincidences do happen! Nice piano friend, good boy, with his hair done like a gentleman in the fifties - side parted and gelled. Plus, he tucks in his shirt and wears a belt, and hasn't even done his Grade 8 in pianoforte. So.... I beat him!! Hah! Still, he is very talented =/

Heading down to Awana tomorrow to see if I can cause any havoc. Went down there today to check it out through the Genting Skyway. Nothing much really, and we came across this Hungry Ghost Festival performance. For the spirits, you know. There was a chinese opera and puppet show. Got a picture of the latter. The setting was awfully creepy, chilly to the bone - and not because of the altitude either. The seats were all empty, and all along the darkening pathway beside a deserted road there were small flags with chinese writing on it. Some had the occasional pao next to it, and when the wind blew they fluttered eerily. Burnt money was scattered all over the floor, all damp due to the recent rain. Andy stepped on a few by accident and I made him say sorry. Hey, I'm a person of God, but he ain't.

Oh. And I somehow managed to pop my right knee by accident. It was so bad I marched, or rather, limped right down to Watsons and got myself a knee brace. Still hurts insanely though. Yet all being said and done, I am still determined to do some jungle trekking at Awana, and other extreme sports that my just get me killed or permanently decapacitated. Oh well.

This is my inaugural utilization of an internet cafe - I hope I used the context right =/. Believe it or not. Haha! Man do I miss my computer, no matter how slow the connection, or however sucky it is sometimes. I have a hacker who has been trying to get past my antivirus for a while now. He has the port number 1494. I say 'he' because about 90% of hackers are guys, so there.

Wait for the pictures yeah! ;)

heading off

I'm a heading off to Genting tomorrow! Can't wait! Hahaha. I hope to do some jungle trekking, coz I'm such a unique thing. =p

Got a call and an email from KH Wan today, regarding next weeks camp. I am quite certain that my parents will stay adamant at a -NO! So... there it goes I guess. Still, I'll wait, hope and see how it goes. But if my parents say YES... KEN, GRAB YOU'RE BAGS... COZ WE'RE FACI-ING BABY! =D
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Let's face it, I can't, and won't change you. It's what makes you you. For better or for worse.
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It's OK, It's always been. Always will be.
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I'm OK. Always been. Always will be.




Man, I'm OK! Just need to beef up a bit eh, I'd hate to get depressed when Malaysia is turning 50. haha! I want to go to Putrajaya to celebrate, but my dad is totally against crowds. Ish.

Turn Up The Volume, Mute The Sounds

Last time I talked to you, I looked down on you, lost in space. Without thinking words were said, and what hurtful words they were. And suddenly sarcasm didn’t seem like such a cool thing to have anymore. I never saw the hurt in the dark depths of those eyes flanked by the wrinkles that made you beautiful.

You’re falling back from me, defy gravity, out of reach. But somewhere out there, I’ll find you again. Out here the atmosphere is dense, and I turn on the radio, trying to find you on some line. Tuning into the emotions that plague the air I breathe. I pray that you don’t burn out, or fade away.

I never saw the redness in the whites of your eyes as you spoke to me about the sacrifices that you made, the dreams that you shed tears for. Perhaps I didn’t want to. So I plastered a smile and said ‘Thank you, mom’. But I didn’t think you heard me.

So loud were the beats pulsating through the headphones. Sufficient enough to drown out the noises I didn’t want to hear. It would be me, and the turmoil that could only be in my head. Every note has a meaning, yet it depends solely on the listener to carve out the intricate message behind the words, the rhythm of the drums, the rhapsody between the guitar and its base, the back up music, the inflection of the vocals, all woven in sync and symphony.

And if I don’t make it, know that I loved you all along. Just like sunny days that we ignored, because I was dumb and jaded. And I hope to God I’d figure out what was wrong. I walked around my room, thinking, and sinking in this box. Blaming myself for being so much like somebody else. So now I’ll just be me. I will walk through that door and kiss you, and whisper the things I hoped you’d like to hear.

But before that, the volume goes up a notch, the sounds get muted and I’m drowning in my own emotions as my body seeps the cold from the white marble floor. The same songs replay over and over again, as if the hand of God was handling my Windows Media Player, which was set on to shuffle and repeat.

You’re falling back to me, the star that I can see. I know you’re out there, somewhere out there… I know, I know… And so as the song ends, I throw away the headphones and step to face the only being I wanted to see at the moment with grim determination.

How many times you wished you were strong, have they ever seen your heart? Have they ever seen your pain? Oh life is waiting for you, its all messed up but we’re alive. Oh life is waiting for you, its all messed up, but we’ll survive. I know you will, because I know that beating heart that lies within you so well.

You were lying in bed, not crying – thankfully. I crept up slowly like I used to in the years bygone, and put my arms around you. I kissed your face and whispered in your ear ‘I’m sorry’. Then, I left. The door swung shut on its hinges, the deed was done. Once again I reached for the headphones, turned up the volume, and all sounds were muted.

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First creative piece in a long while, hope I haven't gone rusty on inspiration.

tagged

Make 30 sentences that start with the letter "I"

I like chocolates.
I love Jesus.
I finally finished reading Deunometry (and I don't think I know how to spell it). haha
I have no idea why I'm doing this.
I think I'm bored.
I wonder why no one is talking to me right now.
I will nudge a number of people on my msn list soon.
I have ice cream in my fridge.
I love my gerbils.
I need Streamyx or some faster connection than what I have now.
I want an iPod nano.
I feel content with my obsolete phone.
I want to learn how to hack.
I need to upgrade my anti-virus license soon.
I need to get Eclipse fast. FAST!
I hate having headaches.
I think I'm going to die soon. whoops.
I want to let everybody know how important they are, but I don't think they're listening.
I love my mom and dad.
I feel sorry that I said something that hurt my mom just now.
I gotta go tell her that soon after this.
I hate going to school on a holiday.
I hate having nothing to do.
I have to do my homework.
I don't think I have much to say now.
I will stop at 27. sorry.

Tags... whoever who wishes to do this.

UBS FAREWELL PARTY

Cheerleading comes in useful, especially to turn on the air conditioning XD





Fly Huey Shan FLY!






There is just so much that needs to be said, but no words to say it. I tried, but I don't think I managed to convey all I wanted to. I was nervous, I stumbled... But I didn't fall. Because their claps and smiles held me up. And that, is the beauty of my family.

So this is my speech, rephased :

You have made us proud. Thank you for being in our lives and making a difference in us. I would really hate to see ya'll go. This unit just wouldn't be the same without you guys. You made me realise just how little time I have left to make a difference, to fully enjoy my time here... Because the days are a'countin.

Thanks Jeff, for being my first friend in the unit, and for being the best (and only really) pet brother anyone could ask for. You are sometimes weird, but you're a genius, and your ass is damn small XD. Oh, your clown act, will haunt me for the rest of my living days. *shivers*

Ebbe, did you know that I have always looked up to you? I've always wanted to be like you. But I guess I can never do that, so I guess just be me.



Steph, good luck with Nicholas - you guys have always looked good together even through your public fights. haha! Nicholas, I will remember the day you put make up on at Gopeng ;)

Yoegi, you are black but you've always been Lil Miss Sunshine. Keep that up girl, you rock!

Chung Khei, you're always with that other girl, but I forgot her name =X. Did you know that the two of you look like sisters? Thanks for all the whispering during meetings... - and getting scolded for it.

May Chong, you have sacrificed a lot for us. 150%, remember? *hugs*

I said I couldn't cause I scene, but as I retreated to the side with the rest, I cried anyway. It was excrutiatingly embarrassing. Its those moments when you wish you could disappear into nothingness because everybody in the room is watching, whispering. I hid my face with the camera, and invisible people stroked me. I heard Huey Shan, I heard Thiban saying 'Aileen... Don't cry', Vi-Jean, Shaun indicating that I had a shoulder to cry on - which I didn't. The hardest thing to do, was to stop. Because once it started, it just went on, and on, and on...

But after that, I was all cool. Seriously, it was a blast and I could have not asked for more. Especially dressing them up :D



Thats my old cheer costume Emirah!





Muru barely fits into my cheer costume this year. Man you look hot.





But Ebbe has boobs so he looks hotter.





Nice Egyptian touch. Haha!





Jeff. is wearing. my. scarf. and a tube. - with boobs.





Psst... when I took the Form 5's outside, Ebbe's girlfriend was outside. *cough*hack*cough*

Amirah's Birthday

12th August - We celebrated Mira's birthday at Prego, The Westin KL. Full story ahead!

Friday, 11 August - Surprise party for Amirah. So sorry I couldn't make it fully, I had UBS stuff to do, you know, being president and all XD. Paiseh. haha

But I wasn't spared from the cake and cream splattering. Thanks you AMIRAH and JIAN HONG. Especially Jian Hong, who locked me in his Judo grasp while Kee Thai smothers my face. Great atmosphere, even Puan Shiamala was not spared. Family friend weih!

Awi couldn't get the cream out of his layer of carpet hair, and ended up stuffing his head into the sink directly under the violent tap, mandi style. haha!

And I'm sorry I scolded Hui Ning on that day =( I know I didn't shout or anything, and was rather nice sounding, she was right.. I can be really scary. Gasp.

Went home and collapsed into a drunken stupor. A hard rocking woke me.

'Eh, tuition weih!' and that, would be Andy the Incredibly Evil.

Then, with timing to bag an Oscar, the phone rings. This girl drags off to fulfil the unspoken rule - The nearest person to the phone is obliged to answer.

Speaker : Hello, may I speak to Aileen please?
Me : Yea
Speaker : Is this Aileen?
Me : Yea
Speaker : Oh hello Aileen, this is Aunty Nina... Amirah's mother.
Me : OH, Hi Aunty! *oh SHIT. omg omg omg.... darn it*
Speaker : Well I am organising a surprise party for Amirah, and I was wondering if you would like to come along.
Me : Oh, I'll have to ask my parents first.
Speaker : Yes, and its this Sunday, at an Italian restaurant, Prego... At the Westin Hotel. It starts and 8 and you can tell your mother to pick you up at 10.
Me : Ok... I'll have to ask my parents.
Speaker : OK, so sms me the answer alright? And don't tell Amirah, because it is a surprise.

Curse my excessive melatonin production -.-"

At Prego - What can I say? It was dim, chic, and the food was excellent! Absolutely tongue-tingling delight. But I should remember not to order Arrabiatta again. It was sooooo spicy, I was getting the flu. So I exchanged with Hui Ning =D

Let the pictures speak for themselves...



There were so many colourful stars on the table. And so pretty too! haha.. See how its all bright and shiny?




Poor lil Iskandar fell asleep.. So Arman and Amran decided to bury him in balloons. Aww look, he forgot to finish his cake... Poor soul




Amirah dives into her food.





Amran's got braces! Red hot Amran, you're such a big boy now =D





We rock........
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The next day was Physics paper. I guess that needn't be elaborated, haha! Talk about going out during exam period...





Next post will be the UBS FAREWELL PARTY! I love my family =3

Tomorrow

The old and the new

Tomorrow. Love it or hate it.

Hate it because Puan Lee set the Chemistry paper tomorrow.

Love it because we're partyyyiiing after school!

Hate it because we're celebrating the beginning of the end for the seniors.

Love it because it'd be crazy.

Hate it because I might cry.

Love it because I love them.

Hate it because I have a five minute speech to fill.

Love it because its something I worked hard for.

Hate it because it'll potentially go messy. And you can kiss this hot ass goodbye.

Love it because I hope to whacked Ebbe's ass till he has to stand for the rest of his trials.

Hate it because I might get whacked back. XD

Love it because ITS THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL. I can practically smell the sweet holiday air in the breeze...

can't live with em, can't them without em

Been wanting to blog this for quite a while. Call us retards... Its OK. It all happened, on a beautiful autumn day of Wednesday. 4 Sc Alpha begged Puan Sareah not to have PJ. She agreed, and so, it all happened in the classroom.

Aileen walks in class. Everyone stands up, just ready to greet the teacher.
Huey Shan give Aileen a look.

AL : What are you lookin at?
HS : No, what are you lookin at?
AL : You were giving me that look...
HS : No, you were giving me that look!
AL : You were, you stupid girl
HS : Stop looking at me!
AL : No... You stop looking at me!

*nudge* Psst, Pn Sareah is STARING at you two!

HS : *lowers voice* You stop looking at me... okay?
AL : *does the same* No, you stop looking at me looking at you looking at me!

Puan Sareah mutters inaudibly, something about 'lawan dalam kelas' XD

AL : Stop looking la you perve.
HS : *laughs ass off*
AL : O.o

amusing

A little something I ripped off Lindley's blog. Hahaha, read on.


Looks like something Huey Shan would do.... XD Yeah, she's rather queer, and retarded, so thats good. And I'm not saying that just because she sits behind me in class and has every opportunity to kick, poke, and annoy me shall I condemn her here. Amen.

I actually came here intending to rant and curse beyond recognition, but I guess I don't feel so angry anymore. The Lord does wonders... Didn't feel so good on Saturday, but I'm OK now, surprisingly.

Sometimes its hard, not knowing whether to forgive, or not. Some things are not so simple... I guess I'll just sit here in this little stagnant corner and see what Jesus has in store for me, and pray. Because I believe... Simply.

Now, I post in peace... No cursing, promise.

I didn't want to go, I can't believe I'm saying this... But I think I'm traumatised. I was made to go, but not forced : behind the tears there is a will of steel, and if I truly didn't want to go, I wouldn't. I'd run away till it was over.

I can't believe you think I'm crying for you.

I'm so glad you're back. The road to ...... is never easy.
Yeah, not with you here.
You're like a daughter to me.
Never in a million years, I only have one father, and if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have wanted to see your grotesque physique ever again.
Realise your mistakes...
I didn't need you to realise them for me.

I can't believe I let you hug me, and let myself touch you. You stink, and I feel tainted with your evil.

OK, now go.
Gladly.

In two hours, I never smiled, not even to my comrades - more like, acquintances really. 'Cept a certain friend, whom I know understands very well my pain. You're still an asshole though =P. Nor with the kids either, their great. Still love me. Haha

You asked me thrice if you would see me next week. It sounded like an order, and I was sorry I had to nod in silent obligement. I should never have gone back, then you'd know how its like to lose valuable talent such as myself. I'd gladly switch loyalties than to stick with you.

I can't wait to get outta this dump. Hell is a place called home - Previous thoughts, I can never keep it up. Sigh, but sometimes I feel so unappreciated. I'm the best kid they got and... Sigh. Sorry folks, if this sounds awefully conceited. Only, I try so hard to make them proud, sometimes, you wonder if it was worth it.

'Sabar, now is not the time to rebel. Its time to suck your parents money and enjoy life. After that... do whatever you want - and feed yourself, of course'

There's only one person who reads my blog who knows what I'm talking about. If the certain person is aware enough, of course.

Week old product of kung fu conditioning. Don't worry, I ain't no damage inducing, self inflicting person. I love myself too much XD

OK, I don't know how to get rid of this... the real deal is below. Its an old song of theirs, but hey, still good.

PLANET SHAKERS lyrics

I was zombiefied today, due to the lack of sleep. Felt like liquified faeces.

Then I was totally off the hook, laughing to myself from the loo to class. After school, I was still laughing to myself, so hard, I had to stop halfway on the stairs a few times. When depressed, laugh; and laugh hard.

Then I slept and missed two calls. What luck.

Forgot I had tuition till my mom called and asked me to get my ass down.

I concentrated.

I'm strangely happy today, and I know perfectly why. That worries me =/

Whooo going to the gym tomorrow morning with me mommy! - Today, actually, haha. I'd better... Indulging in Dominos Twisty Bread is sure to pack on the pounds. Rawr!

LMAO! I feel weird today

wheee

Congratulations to me on my weirdestest post ever. HAHAHAHAHA

Night